:A Better Story
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Approach:  Station Level: Year 4 and year 8
Focus:  Making a story more vivid and exciting.
Resources: Picture.
296KB

Questions/instructions:
Here is the start of a story about a boat. It is not very exciting.
There was a storm. I saw a boat. It was on the sea.

Write a more exciting start to the story about the boat in a storm.
Only write the first 2 or 3 sentences of the story.

% responses
y4
y8
start mentions a storm
72
74
start mentions a boat
(not ship, tugboat, fishing vessel)
82
84
start mentions the sea (not lake, ocean)
44
54
start mentions the storm making the sea rough
22
40
start mentions the storm/rough sea putting boat at risk
28
47
Overall, how exciting is the start?
very dramatic
0
4
 
quite dramatic
7
21
a little dramatic
44
48
dull
49
27
Total score:
7–8
1
8
5–6
17
32
3–4
45
39
0–2
37
21
Commentary:
Many students did not cope very well with the task of adapting the start of a story to make it more exciting, while keeping the basic elements of the original.
YEAR 4 – HIGH RANGE:
There was a raging storm out at sea. I saw a little tugboat. it didn’t stand a chance against the foamy waves
One day I saw a huge boat. It was in a very hard storm. I saw it out far far far away out in the bashing crashing thumping sea.
There was a big storm and the boat and the waves were crashing together. Then the boat tiped over one side and the water flowed on board. The people tried to get the water out but it keept coming in.
One cold dark night as a flashing feice and terrible storm was making it’s way to our city. I saw a big boat beeing bashed and smashed about on the black and blue sea.
There was an rumble, a big scary storm was coming. A boat was on the sea it was rocking and the children and people were yelling and screeming. It was a dark Black night. Roar!!!
 
YEAR 4 – MID RANGE:
There was a massive storm. I saw a big boat stranded
One day a boat was on the sea they thought it was a nice day to go for a ride but then there was Strong wind it became a storm.
A boat was out at see. It was a very bad storm now.
One day there was a boat that went out sailing. But when they were out there was a storm. Out at sea.
Once there was a boat. It was out at the sea and there was big waves. It turned out there was actully a big storm.
YEAR 8 – HIGH RANGE:
That night there was a huge storm. Huge waves crashed up against the rocks like thunder. 5 meter swells tossed a fishing trawler around. The sea looked like a huge entity engulfing all around it. Suddenly the boat was capsized…
There was a ferocious storm the other day. I was at the wharf and I saw huge waves clashing against a boat that made it sway to and fro. It was way out on the harsh sea and looked like it was going to capsize.
There was a raging storm. The waves crashed, the wind roared. I saw a boat out at sea, being thrown around like a leaf in the wind.
The storm at sea was ferocious. Aboard the Hibiscus Flower, a small commercial fishing boat, the turbulent waves were like mountains. The sea sending forth it’s powerful, salty breath.
On one dark storm night I look out over the ocian and I saw a boat. The boat was violently rocking with every wave that hit it and I felt sorry for who ever was on it. A huge wave came up out of the ocian and the boat disapeard behind it.
 
YEAR 8 – MID RANGE:
There we were stuck on an old fishing boat in the middle of a huge storm. Our radios had stopped and we had no way of getting help. Just then when we thought things couldn’t get any worse our enjun [engine] blew up and we started taking on water.
One night I sore a fishing Boat. It was in a big storm waves were crashing over the top of it.
There was a scarey, Tropical storm and I saw a boat being pushed round like it was nothing. It was on the pacific ocean.
There was a frightening big storm. I saw a huge boat painted black. It was moving very slowly on the rough sea.
The sea threatened the boat with its angry waves. the boat fought against the army of waves.
 
Chapter Graphic
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